What kind of clothes does someone wear for an introductory
meeting with their psychologist? I pondered the options thoroughly. I did not
want to go in too rigid, formal clothes, I would cry anyway, so that would be a
ridiculous, hollow disguise. But I did not want to seem to be like a little
girl either, wearing some little dress, like something I would wear on weekends.
Finally I decided to wear jeans and a slim-fit striped blouse.
I did not want to dress up too much, but I wanted to look decent. Like the
models in Vogue on the way from one fashion show to another. But of
course I had to wear a push-up bra. I had not gone anywhere without it for a
long time. I tied my hair and put on a light make-up.
Lovászi’s private practice was located downtown, and the smell
of incense sticks and a bit meditative music welcomed me there. It was Enya
perhaps. I shook hands with the psychologist whose picture I had seen on the
web somewhat stunned. I really liked his CV. Originally he was a programmer,
like my husband, and later he worked as a scriptwriter, which is, to some
extent, related to what I did at that time.
I liked that he had tried different things, just like me.
I felt a bit embarrassed, but I sat down and told him to turn
that music off if possible. “It makes me upset”, I told him. So I introduced
myself to my brand-new psychologist in about a minute.
But from then on, everything went well. We talked about my
family. A bit afraid, I said a few bad things about my mother. I was afraid,
because I still had the feeling that one should not say bad things about their
mother. She couldn't be bad. Only me.
(...)
After this, he told me his theory. He had had several patients
similar to me. Similar in the sense that the women could not get pregnant. And
also in having been together with their partners for a long time. After such a
long time, feelings towards each other are more like between siblings.
“What do you feel? Are you still a woman in this
relationship?” he asked me. “Do you always dress the same way? Wearing
trousers, tying your hair?”
I felt deeply offended. This stranger looks at me and
immediately thinks that we are suffering from the “old married couple
syndrome”, meaning that my husband does not want me anymore, when I am not even
thirty yet, and I only gained 7lbs since we were together, even that because I
tried very hard to put on some weight.
“Why, do you think real women always wear skirts and
high-heels?” I asked back with some sass. It made me very upset that having
told him my childhood and my sister’s condition, he said that.
“I had a patient whose situation was very similar to yours.
Although there it was the woman, who became a bit uncertain, but she found her
way back to the relationship.
“Do you think this is the root of my problems?!” I could not
believe my ears. “And what I told about you my family, is that nothing?!”
I was disappointed. The situation was the same as with the
gynaecologist. We had a protocol here as well. At the gynaecologist, the
protocol said that I should get my period every 28 days, I should ovulate on
the 14th day, my progesterone level should be over 21, and so on. The aim of my
gynaecologist was to achieve these, and when we succeeded, he was very
satisfied. After every single unsuccessful cycle he was happy about the good
results of the blood test. Once, when I was running out of patience, I told him
that unfortunately I cannot put these achievements into a cradle.
It seems that there is a certain path to follow at the therapy
as well…
I went home with mixed feelings, but I was proud that I did
not cry. I did not want to pity myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment